14 years of silence, its been 14 years of PAIIIN!

Actually 16. And now its over. Sweet. Awesome. I can finally stop hearing about Terri Fucking Schiavo. Today is a good day. Not only for us media watchers who are weary of an issue lack of any REAL controversy, but for Terri herself. The beating of the vegetative state/minimally conscious horse has come to an end. Not to mention that any time a huge group of religious conservatives suffers a staggering defeat in their agenda to turn their personal beliefs into policy that effects all Americans, I am a happy man. In fact any time fanatical religious conservatives are unhappy about something, chances are, I'm fucking ecstatic.

Terri Schiavo's body finally ceased to be vegetative early this morning in Pinellas Park, Florida. Terri, the Terri that her husband, friends, and relatives knew, has been dead for much much longer. In Time magazine there is a picture of the CT scan of Terri's brain next to a CT scan of a regular person. The regular person has lines, wrinkles, a visible structure. Terri's is pure smooth even grey. It says her cortex has undergone something to the effect of "extreme liquification." In other words her brain has melted. Just because she can move sometimes and makes gurgling noises, doesn't mean anyone is home.

Frankly, I think this whole case is a non-issue because it really makes no difference whether she was kept alive or not. She's brain dead. If your computer is turned off, does it matter if the plug is actually in the wall? Keeping energy flowing into a system that is not functioning doesn't produce any different results than if the energy is stopped. The output of the system is still zero. The computer isn't on! Do you care if the little LED on the front is lit up or not? Your homework isn't going to get done either way. Consider the deeply sedated state one goes into during heavy surgery. When you wake up, you awake from the dead. You're not even aware time has passed. There was just about zero mental activity, your consciousness was turned off more than in any sleeping state, your mind was dead. But your body, your body was still alive, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to come back. So its quite conceivable how the heart can keep beating, the lungs can keep breathing yet the mind is as absent as you are in surgery. (In fact I think her heart and lungs were even assisted, ie not working on their own) If it has been declared that you could never wake from this state, YOU are dead. Your meat may be still working on a mechanistic level, but YOU are gone. In religious terms, Terri's soul left her body a long time ago.

Would Terri's parents ever be able to talk to her again? To laugh and share a story, to even hug her and be hugged back? No. I'm glad Michael fought the legal battle just because I want right to death to win based on principle, but as far as he was concerned, she has no mental activity, so he might as well have just given up and let them keep pumping nutrients into their vegetable and moved on with his life. But I'm glad he didn't. Her fought the ideological battle. Congratulations Michael, best of luck in rebuilding your life.

Terri's parents believe that she wasn't completely lights out. That she was "minimally concious." Therein lies the hypocrisy. There's no dispute about Terri ever waking up and coming back to normal. Ain't happenin'. Her brain is fucking liquid. I don't care about further untried therapies, Terri was NOT coming back, no way no how. So if they ACTUALLY believe that she was kind of "awake" in there, that she was minimally concious, perhaps in a dreamlike state, or worse, even more aware; and they know she can never escape it, why would they torture her by keeping her prisoner in a non-functional body? The hypocrisy is that the more concious she is, the stronger a reason to put her out of her misery. Free the Terri ypu love from the prison she must hate. Or for you religious people, unchain her soul. I think the worst possible torture I could imagine is being 100% fully aware and cognitive, aware of what's going on around you, all 5 sense fully functioning, yet having your body paralyzed and unable to even move your eyes. Even if that were the case and you were fully conscious, you would go insane in a matter of weeks. So their arguement that she's more aware that everyone thinks being a reason to keep her alive, is just fucking evil. That's exactly the reason to pull the plug you heartless bastards.

Rest in peace Terri.

Blog Posts are Gauge for Health of Business at Red Car

Officials determined today that there is "more than just correlation," between the rate of blog posts in one day on BYOHS and the health of business at Santa Monica post house Red Car Inc. "There is an inversly proportional relationship," said Chris Homel of e-procrastinators.com an internet/media watchdog, "the less business there is, the more blog posts in one day." Critics say that there are other factors that determine how little work gets done at Red Car. "This new LAN share crap has totally fucked everything up. The Avids are all crashy and buggy, the internet is slowed down, getting on the network is more difficult, and you can't print from an Avid anymore. I could go on... I DO have work I could be doing, but its just such a pain in the ass now, its much easier to attempt to be funny on my blog," said employee Chris Sowick. Officials confirmed that the LAN share certainly has "fucked everything up," but disputed the claim that there is anything funny on BYOHS.

Local Economy Booms as Thousands Flock to Afghan Beauty Pageant

MissAfghanistan
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

The 2005 Miss Afghanistan Pageant enters its third and final day of competition today in Mazar-i-Sharif, drawing controversy from conservative groups. Protesters took to the streets, blocking traffic in Mohammed Square. "The revealing of ankle, thigh, and brow skin for the sordid pleasure of men is a serious afront to our culture," Shahid bin-Walid al-Azzizi-Muqtari told our reporters. "many goats will have to die for Allah to forgive this one." Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed bin Mohammed al Mohammed agreed, "curse the Americans and their Western influence of equality for women. Allowing them to live is bad enough, let alone develope a sexual identity! The streets of the United American States will run red with the blood of the infidels! God will punish them with fire of 1000 hells!"

Local shopkeeper Rahkman Abdul Hakim Mujahid felt differently. "I have sold 20 pounds of millet since last Tuesday, there are a lot of Kandaharians in town this week. Business is superb. My crater have been overrun with customers. And these beauties are not certainly painful on the eyes! I am a proud Afghan today, we definitely produce some of the most shapely ankles, curvaceous wrist bones, and bushy eyebrows in all the world. All 72 beautiful virgins cannot be in heaven today, for surely most of them are in Mazar-i-Sharif!"

Judges cited difficulty in presenting the award to the winner, Nahida Umniya Shahrazad however, due to complications arising from actually having to tell these women apart in full burkha. Eventually, judges deterimined that Nahida was the one with the striking nasal bones and hairless toes.

Take That Stupid Yellow Thing Off Now

Uh... Perhaps I need to do a little more homework, but I was under the impression, and a quick google search supports this, that Lance Armstrong doesn't have cancer anymore. Am I wrong? If not, that means that the excruciatingly passé yellow rubber wrist bands have officially reached the status of wearing an earring in your right ear. Its meaningless as an indicator of sexal preference at this point, but you're still a fag for having one.

What's with attaching a yellow strand of something to your vehicle or person to show your half hearted solidarity about an issue you are most likely ill-informed about? There is nothing noble about noticing a $1.99 yellow wrist band or yellow ribbon sticker on display at the checkout counter of AM/PM while you're buying tampons for your wife, and throwing one in your basket to show off to strangers that you are some kind of socially minded activist. You want to know what would be noble? Donating ANY sum of money to a cancer or veterans foundation and NOT TELLING ANYONE!

So What the Hell Do You Want Lebanon?

Lebanese Flip Floppers
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

I feel a little silly for getting too excited about "freedom on the march" or "democracy on the traipse" that the media has been hyping in Lebanon. Look at the picture from Time magazine on top. Note the headline. The image evokes the epic heroism of the famous Iwo Jima monument. This must be BIG. Bush's policies of spreading democracy in the region are working! Isreal is pulling out of Palestine, Egypt wants to hold elections, Iraq already did, the Lebanese are demanding freedom and self-determination... oh wait, give it 24 hours, and its back to the same old middle east we've grown to love (occupying.)

At first glance it might appear that the picture above the blue line and the pictures below the blue line are from the same demonstration. Uh uuuhhh! Notice the Time magazine picture on top, the pro democracy demonstration, has a guy holding up a sign saying, "we just want to be free and to live in peace!" Of course they do, everybody wants that. Awesome. Now note the signs in the bottom pictures, "America is the source of terrorism," and "no for the American interference."

Just when we though the hearts and minds of the Arab world were starting to come around and realize that living in oppression, poverty and war are not as good as living in freedom, peace, and prosperity; the next day, Hezbollah, labelled a terrorist organization by the US, (although so are Tommy Chong and the NRDC) organized a huge 'pro-Syrian oppression' rally that dwarfed the pro-democracy rallies of the previous days. Hundreds of thousands of Syrian and Hezbollah supporters showed out to demonstrate that these progressive-liberal-anti-Lebanon-unpatriotic-socialist-pinko-commies that oppose Syrian totalitarianism are in the minority. "We want an oppressive, human rights trampling, al qaeda sympathizing, theocracy! When do we want it? NOW!" they chanted. Oh yeah, we already have it. "Well we don't want that to change!"
So what the hell DO they want? So many of them want prosperity, but even more seem to want evil to reign. Don't they know what's good for them?

I suppose any remotely intelligent persons living outside the United States probably asked the same thing about America on November 3rd. They probably asked, "gee, it seems like a large portion of Americans are very angy that their country is dominated by a fascist militaristic regime that seized power in a political coup and has proceeded to declare war on civil rights, the poor, the middle class, the Constitution, secularists, and the environment; handed control of the government to private industry; pushed the country into the deepest national debt in history; was caught blatantly lying and crying wolf, and sabotaged its role as leader of truth and justice in the free world. So how come so many people seem to be in favor of all that? Why did the Destruction-of-America party win?" I think that people are afraid of change. People prefer a framiliar oppression over a change for the better. Consider how many slaves, after the emancipation, stayed on their plantations for the rest of their lives. They didn't know how to live any other way. When you've been trampled your whole life, freedom can be scary.
Its interesting that such vehemently anti-American Hezbollah and vehemently jingoist pro-fascist-America red staters can be diametrically opposed yet still have so much in common.

Best Revenge Anyone Could Hope For

This also is real news. It just so happens to be really funny.

here's a link
http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/1110408358

Teen Sends Student Semen-Frosted Brownies

March 9, 2005 5:45 p.m. EST
COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho - A teenager has agreed to admit to three counts of disturbing the peace after anonymously sending semen-frosted brownies to a fellow student. The recipient shared the treat with two other teens, police said.

They said the 17-year-old Coeur d'Alene High School student was upset after a prank in which the other student put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich days before. He told a school resource officer that "he hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain," according to the police report.

The teen later told School Resource Officer Jeff Walther that he got the idea of putting his semen on the brownies from the movie "National Lampoon's Van Wilder," in which characters send pastries filled with dog semen to a fraternity house.

The student was arrested and booked into a juvenile detention center. He has since been released on a judge's order that he has no contact with the students who ate the brownies.

The youth is to be sentenced on April 4 on the three misdemeanor counts, which are each punishable by up to 90 days in detention, prosecutors said.

The victims' parents were notified and the children were tested for anything that could have been transmitted through the body fluid, although Panhandle Health spokeswoman Susan Cuff said the chance of the students' health being affected would be "extremely remote."

School Superintendent Harry Amend declined comment on any school discipline against the teenager.




This is so awesome. This kid should get a medal, not arrested. I don't see how this could even be construed as disturbing the peace. What peace? Sounds like fucking war to me. I can't even imagine how cool it feels for this kid to emerge victorious like that. I mean, not only did the bully take the bait, but now its highly publicized: on the news, all over the internet etc., everyone at school obviously knows. What a complete and utter success. I also don't understand how this is even illegal. There is absolutely no way that there could be any harmful effects from this. You could drink a gallon of AIDS blood, (or semen for that matter) and never contract the virus.
My other question is, who the hell called the authorities? "Hello, 911, yeah, I'd like to report an assault. Yeah, well, I mean, I usually have my gay lover slather me with cow dung, run his jackhammer in my ass, and then slap me across the face while saying 'bad dog, that's a bad dog!', but this time he left a bruise on my eye from the slapping. I'd like your detectives to come out and do a FULL investigation."
I mean, once you found out WHY the frosting tasted a bit like sea water, would you actually risk telling anyone else? I mean, maybe out of revenge you'd want the guy to get in trouble, but if I was the guy, I'd happily ride the beef to destroy this guys social life. Give me the misdemeanor, as long as that bastard ate my cum.

This guy will never be able to live this one down. Even when he's in college, he's going to get teased about it. There are a lot of people in this world that I should be so lucky as to have this kind of revenge upon. Bravo kid, bravo.

America the Deteriorating

NOTE: This is copied & pasted, its real news, sometimes I'm serious about shit.

Top Stories - Reuters
By Alan Elsner

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. roads, bridges, sewers and dams are crumbling and need a $1.6 trillion overhaul but prospects for improvement are grim, the American Society of Civil Engineers said in a report issued on Wednesday.

The group's first report since 2001 looked at 15 categories of public infrastructure, assigning each a letter grade. Overall, the nation's infrastructure received a D, down from a D+ four years ago.

"If we treated our own homes like we treat our infrastructure, we'd all live in shacks," said ASCE president William Henry.

Donald Plusquellic, Democratic mayor of Akron, Ohio, and president of the U.S. Conference of Mayors, blamed a lack of political will over many years compounded by the policy of tax cuts pursued by President Bush.

"I don't know of a single tax cut that's replaced a bridge. When that bridge fails, killing people, nobody's going to care whether those people were Republicans or Democrats," he said.

The society estimated the cost of bringing infrastructure to an acceptable level at $1.6 trillion over five years from government and the private sector. The report was compiled by 24 top engineers who analyzed published material and surveyed 2,000 engineers in the field.

The report said that since 2001, the conditions of the country's roads, drinking water system, public transit, wastewater disposal, hazardous waste disposal, navigable waterways and energy system had worsened.

The nation's drinking water system alone needed a public investment of $11 billion a year to replace facilities, comply with regulations and meet future needs. But federal funding reached less than 10 percent of this amount. As a result, aging wastewater systems were discharging billionsof gallons of untreated sewage into surface waters each year, the report said.

Poor roads cost U.S. motorists $54 billion a year in repairs and operating costs while Americans spent 3.5 billion hours a year stuck in traffic jams.

The country's power transmission system also needed to be modernized, the report said. While demand continued to rise, transmission capacity failed to keep pace and actually fell by 2 percent in 2001.

As of 2003, 27 percent of the nation's bridges were structurally deficient or obsolete, a slight improvement from 28.5 percent in 2000.

But since 1998, the number of unsafe dams in the country rose by 33 percent to more than 3,500.

Insanely Incompetent Parkers

Have you ever witnessed someone trying to get into a parking spot somewhere and they are just so completely moronic and unable to comprehend the dynamics of spatial relations and turning radii that you have to restrain yourself from jumping out of your car, or running across the street and telling them what to do? I have. I won't mention which ethnicity the preponderance of these cases happen to be perpetrated by. I have become aware that I've made a lot of fun of other ethnicities in this blog so I had better start making fun of white people, lest I be labeled a bigot by people out there in internet land that don't know me personally. Anyway, this isn't about me not being racist. This is about idiots that couldn't park a car if finding a place in Los Angeles to leave their car depended on it. ie: their life. (And by the way, auto insurance companies charge higher rates to Asians, so its not a stereotype, its a statistical fact.)

The person I saw today was not Asian. He was white. But it took this guy about 8 back and forth motions to get into a spot, and it wasn't even parallel, it was a regular supermarket style parking lot. I will admit the cars to his left and right didn't leave him the widest space, but any mediocre 15 year old with a learners permit could have slid into it with one stroke. You've seen these idiots, sometimes the chick will have her boyfriend get out and guide her into the spot, but that usually doesn't help or I wouldn't have ever noticed them in the 1st place, they would get it on the 1st try. The unifying theme that most of these people need to uderstand can be summed up by one clear concept that I will admit I have shouted at people from time to time when I see that they are not figuring out the parking procedure,

"turn the wheel ALL THE WAY!"

This seems to be the concept that alludes most of the problem-parkers. If you didn't make it on the 1st pass, and it becomes a 3-point turn (or more than 3 in many cases) you have to turn the wheel all the way as you back out, and then ALL THE WAY again in the other direction as you pull forward again. Don't let the wheels roll one bit until the steering wheel is turned all the way. When I was in high school my friend and I watched in amusement as a woman made no less than an 11-point turn atttempting to park. It might as well have been an infinite-point turn, because all she was doing was going back and forth and back, not turning at all. She eventually gave up, concluding, I suppose, that her car would not fit. Which is fine by me. Parking lot Darwinism. If you are not "fit" to park, the space goes to someone more deserving. If only the consequence was that they were left unable to reproduce. In a perfect world...

I honestly think that they should raise the minimum score on the DMV driving test to 90% instead of 70%. There are way to many morons on the road. We have people careening around in giant battering rams made of steel and glass and explosive petrolium, and all you have to make is a C- in order to get a liscence. I mean, a C average might be acceptable for the leader of the free world, but not for drivers.

Who the fuck DOESN'T support the troops?!

Is it just me or has there been an explosion of yellow ribbon stickers on peoples' cars all of a sudden? We're two years into the war, and suddenly, in the past two weeks, everyone decides to get a "support the troops" sticker. I've seen a few here and there over the past two years, but now all of a sudden its like, I see 10 on my way to work, and its less than a 5 mile drive. But the recent spike in ribbon popularity is not what I take issue with, in and of itself. What bothers me is that it seems like everyone "supporting the troops" is a big diversionary tactic. Support for the troops is NOT the issue, WHY the troops need support is the issue. Why we are USING troops is the issue. What exactly would NOT supporting the troops look like anyway? I would imagine that if you didn't support the troops, that would mean that you hope they get shot and blown up, that you are angry with them for being in the military or something and you wish ill upon them. Aside from your ultra-ravingly-insane-liberal who has contempt for anyone who serves in the military, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a single American who doesn't support the troops. It seems to me that this deluge of stickers is actually some kind of premeditated diversionary plot to take heat off the real issue of why we have US troops dying every day in a foreign country. Its as if we are to accept the illbegotten war as a given, so the only issue left on the table to discuss is whether you don't want Americans to die or if you hope that they do. Obviously I am simplyfying the issue, but its almost as if a criminal stole your shotgun from your home, and was using it to hold people up; and instead of being concerned about the crimes, the police were asking you about your customer satifation level with the Smith & Wesson brand.

What exactly does someone mean when they say that they "support the troops" anyway? Did you buy body armor and mail it to Mosul? Did you provide tactical information to Red Leader about insurgent movement two clicks outside of sector 6? Or do you just approve of the notion of the troops getting home safely? Well I've got news for you Mr. Patriot, so does every other single American, and pretty much every person in the entire world regardless of their stance on the war, except of course,for the insurgents. So that sticker on your car means, "I haven't actually DONE anything, except spend $2.50 on a sticker of which maybe 12 cents goes to a veterans fund, and in spirit, I wish well for them." Great. What an accomplishment, you should stand tall you great patriot, George S. Patton would be proud of your Lincoln Navigator's tailgate.

The other thing that bothers me is that is also evokes something of a holier-than-thou mentality. Oh you support the troops with your little sticker do you? And what am I, anti-troop because I don't have one? Its like walking into a party and later noticing that everyone there has a sticker that says, "I'm not homosexual" and you're the only guy at the party not wearing one.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I support the troops MORE that many of these sticker-sporters, more than even Donald Rumsfeld, because I support them SO much I want them out of harms way entirely. I think the ultimate support for the troops is not sending them to war! There's a novel idea. So let me get this straight, if I want to support someone, I DON'T put them in front of a firing squad? How about bringing them home to their families and giving them extensive medical, psychological, and economic support for the rest of their lives, since they put their lives at great risk for our country. Even the Bush administration doesn't do that. In fact, the Bush administration has increasingly cut veteran benefits more and more each year. There is a growing population of homeless Iraq war veterans already, this should not EVER be allowed to happen. So I guess I can tell you who definitely DOESN'T support the troops. I never could believe the audacity of the Republicans when they accused John Kerry of not supporting the troops because he voted against the 80 billion dollars, of which maybe 10,000 was slated to go to body armor. (9 billion of which is now mysteriously unaccounted for...) Why are they being sent into battle without body armor in the 1st place you slimy cocksuckers!?

So I'm very happy for you all out there, brandishing your stupid little "I'm in the patriot club" stickers on your Iraqi oil guzzling SUVs all over Santa Monica. Its jingoists like you that make our country the greatest.

The greatest hypocrits on the globe.

How's this for a banner/article combo?

dung toothpaste
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

If the article isn't ridiculous enough, look at the banner ad that came up.

full article:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7052249/?GT1=6305

I love Jesus, its his fanclub I can't stand.

This is a great bumper sticker I saw the other day.

Some jackass is using my birthright

some asshole is COMPLETELY wasting helmar.blogspot.com, forcing me to use the retarded pun HELL MAR.blogspot.com. He only has one post and its the gayest thing I've ever seen.

EPA Finds Blogospheric Pollution Up 37% from 2002

(Reuters)-Pundit emissions and commuter daily activities, including posting of boring vacation anecdotes, middle school gossip, testimonials of favorite books, TV shows, and video games, not to mention industrial pollutants like www.coal.ca/blog/index.php are contributing to a noted increase in blogal warming. The Bush Administration refused to comment any further than its official stance that "more research is needed."

When asked to comment, blogger Hellmar had this to say,
"Its all lies, I tell you. The Bush administration and the EPA are all in the pocket of big business. www.bloggerman.com is all the proof needed to support the "theory" that the blogosphere is more polluted with shit that ever before."

Cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds

I seem to be somewhat dwelling on middle easterners and addiction today. Coincidence I swear. Or maybe it was that Afghan opium I took rectally last night... Oh wait, maybe that was just a bad dream. Anyway, ever wonder where the term "going cold turkey" came from? I thought this old Homer Simpson quote was funny, but upon further anaylsis, I realized the profound implications of "cold turkey."

www.straightdope.com thus defines cold turkey:
Some say it's because heroin addicts undergoing withdrawal are so pale and covered with goose bumps their skin looks like that of an uncooked turkey. As with most good stories, however, this appears to be crapola. "Cold turkey," which dates from 1916, is related to "talk turkey," meaning to cut the comedy and talk frankly. Similarly, when you go cold turkey, you dispense with the preliminaries and get right down to it. Why turkey rather than crested titmouse, say, is not clear, but perhaps it was because the turkey, as your standard U.S. game fowl, recalled the no-bull simplicity of frontier life.

Well, that helps a bit. But it also raises more questions, why, as was implied, is it not called "cold beef," if it is derived from an idiom meaning "no bullshit." Or "cold fungus?" Because fungus likes to grow in warm bull feces. So if your going cold turkey off of something you are abusing, its because you are doing as they did in the old days of cold turkey, and dispensing with the pleasantries and getting down to business. Your not cutting down, your quitting cold turkey, as in the 1916 "talking turkey." But when did "talk turkey," become, "speaking in a direct manner?" Turkey speech (Turkish) seems to be filled with excess syllabels and redundant utterances. Wouldn't ONE gobble get the point across, rather than the colloquial "gobble gobble gobble?" Those silly turn of the century-ers. What would they have thought of next?

How about just saying, "I'm going penguin." The coldness of the meat is implied, and penguin vocalizations are little to none, perhaps the occasional "honk." And I am certain that as in Japanese, Penguican packs a lot of meaning into a short uttterance. "Mushmushi" in Japanese means "Greeting and most formal and cordial introductions, I am very pleased to be speaking with a respectable and honorable person of your stature on this most joyous and lucky afternoon."
Much the same way that "honk" means "excuse me waiter, would you be so kind as to explain to me what the featured soup of the day is?"

So I'm going penguin from the Aghan opium, or at least from administering it THAT way.

Digital camera PCI/MCIA cards have "photographic memory"

And in college psychology classes they tell you that a true photographic memory doesn't exist. The wonders of technology.

What is the point of decaf?

Ever think about this connundrum? Why would you ever drink decaf coffee? I drink coffee most days, I enjoy the taste, the aroma, but would I drink it if it contained no caffeine? Hell no. It has a pleasant taste but its not good enough to drink based on taste alone. That's like going into a bar and asking for non-alcoholic gin. "I just love the taste of gin so much. But I don't want to get drunk." The point of coffee is that its a drug, not food. "I don't want to feel the effects of heroin anymore, but I've acquired a taste for the delivery system. That's why I shoot up water in the morning." Coffee isn't good for you. The caffeine is even worse, but even decaf isn't good for you. The point of a drug is that its not good for you but its effects are so pleasant that you do it anyway. Why would you hurt yourself without getting a high out of it?

I have to liken it to why people drink non-alcoholic beer: Because they are recovering alcoholics. I've tasted several different brands of non-alcoholic beer, and it all tastes like shit. The alcohol bite is a subtle but extremely essential factor in the enjoyability of the taste of beer. I doubt very many O'Doul's drinkers do so because they think the taste is delicious. Non-alcoholic beer drinkers do so because they used to drink, and its really hard to make a complete lifestyle charge when going off the wagon. You still want to go out with your friends, you just don't want to drink, so to ease the pain you sip an O'Doul's as a social and psychological crutch, it gives you a reminiscent taste, you feel like you're partying, even more importantly, you LOOK like you're partying, so you don't have to be the lamo in the bar drinking Fanta. Its a crutch so you can still hang out with your friends while preserving your health. So my conclusion is that decaf must only be for people that are trying to kick, or illogical people that drink it for the taste, which means they probably cover up the taste of the actually coffee by dumping tons of sugar and cream and honey and crap in there. Completely retarded.

"I'm going to drink non-alcoholic beer because I wish I was drinking beer but I want to be good; but beer without alcohol tastes pretty shitty, so I'll put so many additives in the beer that it tastes like Sprite." How about drinking Sprite. Or in coffee terms, how about not drinking coffee, and just drink sugar-milk you poor confused soul. If there are any decaf drinkers out there that take it black, please explain your rationale, or lack thereof. "I am weird and like the taste of black" is the ONLY acceptable answer.

New Iraqi Dinar to feature Kamal Camel

new iraqi dinar
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

With the reconstruction of Iraq successfully completed, the last remaining hurdle for peace and democracy in the middle east is the formation of new currency. The image of unpopular Saddam Hussein will be replaced by the more universal and regionally popular middle eastern figure,
Kamal Camel.

Gatorade asks: Is it in you? Apparently not anymore.

Not any more.
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

The Gatorade ad campaign asks the consumer: Is it in you? For one poorly potty trained Red Car employee, the answer is a resounding, "well, not anymore."

R. Kelley drinks Gatorade too.

R. Kelley drinks Gatorade too.
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

FDA isssues warning about AXE effect

the AXE effect
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

AP-The FDA issued a warning yesterday about a new phenomenon known as the AXE effect. The side effect is associated with use of the male body deodorant spray, AXE. Deleterious effects cited in the study include staggering gait, slurring of words and incoherent babble, loss of judgement and color perception in relation to clothing, and perhaps the most significant effect of all, subjects of the study who used AXE at least once a day for a week were correlated to an increase in savage attacks and sexual assaults by women.

The AXE effect is not to be confused with the A/X effect, which essentially means that you are Persian.

Hole in the Wall

hole in the wall
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

we didn't bother actually riding through hole in the wall because you have to go out of bounds, but then do this gnarly traverse forever that causes you to miss the awesome Alaskan heliboarding like conditions that are calling you to drop in on them the whole time. We always gave in. This picture was taken from where we came out of the woods at the bottom of our Alaska run. We'll do hole in the wall one day.

Do you have one of those modulator/demodulators for your Thinking Machine?

Is Netscape the lamest company on Earth since, oh, Planet Hollywood? Has anyone seen these ads where they have a supposed hip guy and a supposed hip/geek guy both talking about Netscape's features vs Net Zero's features, the geeky one obviously defending Net Zero, but then swiching over to Netscape in mid commercial? As a consumer I'm supposed to hold Netscape superior because they offer WebAccelerator TM for free, where Net Zero charges for their equivalent of WebAccelerator. What the hell is this "web accelerator" crap!? Who the fuck has dial up anyway? I'll give you web accelerator. Its called fucking broadband. Get with not being in 1998. The world wide web is no longer the information main thoroughfair of yesteryear.

I am testing picture attachements here

5801686_c70e51a475_s
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

This is a picture. Probably from some where in Switzerland or val d'isere France. It was the picture in the flickr walkthru of how to upload photos. Last week in Mammoth was WAAAY better than this place.

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5801919_3a54ad7824_s
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

even better...

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Picture 1
Originally uploaded by hellmar.

even bester...










notice how I edited the posting times so that these go down in chronological order so you don't see the punch line 1st? oooo....

Euro to dollar ratio at all time high-Mark Knopfler turns over in bed

Thanks to the wreckless economic policies of the Bush Administration, the strength of the euro in relation to the dollar is at an all time high, rendering obscelete to lesser known bands touring Europe, the old rock n' roll adage coined by Mark Knopfler. Said one anyonymous bass player on tour in Manchester, "if you're not well known enough in some of these cities to have a groupie following, you'll end up having to pay for chicks, and pay for money. It fuckin' sucks bro."

So Ronery

This is old news but hilarious enough to re-post:


North Korean men hoping to emulate their "Dear Leader", Kim Jong-il, by sporting a bouffant hairstyle have been instructed to do their bit for socialism by cutting it off.

State television is showing a series of programs instructing shabbily coiffured men on the personal grooming required of a citizen of the vehemently anti-capitalist state.

The five-part series, entitled "Let's trim our hair in accordance with the socialist lifestyle", exhorted them to opt for one of several officially sanctioned haircuts, including the crew cut and the "high, middle and low" styles. Hair should be kept between one and five centimetres in length and should be trimmed every 15 days, it said.

But even the world's most conformist state is prepared to allow a little flair in special cases: men over 50 may grow their hair to the positively bohemian length of seven centimetres on top to hide the effects of balding.

The series, which began last year as part of the regular Common Sense program, claimed that long hair is unhealthy and adversely affects "human intelligence development". The program warned that excessive hair growth "consumes a great deal of nutrition", thereby sapping the brain's energy.

A hidden camera exposed long-haired men at various locations in Pyongyang. Some ran away, while others were given the chance to explain themselves. Several said they were too busy to get a trim. Their names and addresses were given, as a warning to others. The program also shows a man with hair covering his ears and then poses the question to the viewer, "What kind of productivity can we expect from him?"

Why Democrats suck almost as much as Republicans

This was emailed to me, I thought it was a good description
of the past election.


"The Democrats' mistake was in supposing that a disastrous war, national
bankruptcy, the loss of our liberties, a corporate takeover of the
Government, a conspiracy to sabotage Social Security and Medicare, the
destruction of the environment, systematic lying by the Administration
on all levels, and the forfeiting of our economic and moral leadership in
the world might be of some concern to the electorate.

The Republicans rightly perceived that the chief concern of the American
people was how to keep gay couples from having an abortion."



This is why I think it went down like that:

The reason why we lost is no secret. Its because the democrats were unable to make:
a disastrous war, national bankruptcy, the loss of our liberties, a corporate takeover of the Government, a conspiracy to sabotage Social Security and Medicare, the destruction of the environment, systematic lying by the Administration on all levels, and the forfeiting of our economic and moral leadership in the world,

actually seem like an urgent crisis. Why is it so hard to make the end of the world seem like something that people should be concerned about? The Democrats have no clear message, direction, or anything that they clearly "stand for." They are just "against" the Republicans. We have no Karl Rove. He is a genius manipulator. He was able to perfectly play the "if God be for us, who be for them?" card. Are the democrats AGAINST moral values? He was able to completely turn the tables and make the bad guys look live saviours and the good guys look bad. Ask any average, poorly informed person on the street what the Republicans stand for and what the Democrats stand for and see what they say.

It still blows my mind that everyone was so easily "fooled," but the truth is, no one is informed. If they are, their getting it from FOX or whatever. It shouldn't be so difficult to expose the terrible things happening that are destroying this once great nation. And when truth is actually presented to the American people in a simple concise message, even Bush's spin doctors won't be able to twist it around.

I mean, look at the whole Swift Boat thing for example. That was such a non-issue, but did it really hurt Kerry? You bet. All he had to say was, "look, I was in Vietnam, I served, I got shot at, I saved lives. You weren't even there George. You were AWOL from the national guard because of drug testing. When I came home and saw that it was an unwinnable war and we were wasting the lives of brave Americans, I did what I could to end the war. I protested. In one form or another, I was working for the good of America the whole time. During that same time, you were partying and playing hookey. I've made sacrafices for my country George. What have you sacraficed? I was IN Vietnam George, you never were. End of story."

Its should be really easy to shut them down and expose them for the evil lying hypocrits that they are, but the Democrats can't seem to figure out how to do that.

Jimmy Crack-I gave directions to Nick Nolte last night!-And I don't CAAAAARE...

How much do you not care that I gave Nick Nolte directions to a writing workshop located nextdoor to my work last night. This much!
I----------------------------------------------------I

or more?