Work Poo

See if anyone can sympathize with this:
You're taking a dump at work. (Of course you're in the handicap stall) You smuggled some reading material in with you, usually in some discrete way so that the people in the hall that see you on your way to the bathroom don't know you'll be shitting with Time magazine. You finish your business, and continue to sit there on that now warmed seat to finish your article, and errrr-- someone comes in and sit down to take a shit in the stall next to you.

Fuck, guess I'll have to finish this article later.


Here's some helpful work poo terms:



CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs,remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the
cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well
as the other bathroom attendees.