MySpace? My Arse: Better to be a Luddite than virtually connected to thousands of idiots

From Arena Magazine:

by Justin Quirk

When Tom Stephens was arrested in connection with the Suffolk murders, much was made in the tabloids of the fact that he had a MySpace profile. As the Daily Star pointed out, having 3,000 virtual friends and posting up bizarre pictures of yourself was clear evidence of being a fantastic weirdo.

Sadly, the red-tops couldn't be more wrong. In Internet 2.0, there's a constant inference from MySpace's drone like users that if you don't have an online profile you're an isolated Luddite, missing out on an exciting range of Murdoch-owned digital fun and opportunities. The peer pressure to join in the western world's biggest electronic love-in is palpable.

All of which would be understandable if MySpace wasn't so dire on so many levels. The satirical, wikipedia-esque website, Encyclopedia Dramatica, succinctly nailed it as, "a lethargically coded piece of shit." Although if you're not bothered by machine freezing media files, stupid animated gifs, and songs that never seem to play when you want them to, then it might not be a problem. Visually, its a useful illustration of what you get when you democratize design: pixellated wallpaper, unreadable-colored text, pages that are twice as wide as your monitor and so much pointless flashing information that eventually you have to check your eyes into a rape crisis center.

MySpace has been loudly trumpeted as an innovation that breaks new bands and makes you new friends. But every A&R I know spends about 19 hours a day on the site, and still hasn't stumbled across a single band worth signing. Despite the repeated assertions to the contrary, artists are still making it through traditional means - the Arctic Monkeys and Enter Shikari gigged endlessly; Lily Allen spent two years on a development deal perfecting her 'Mungo Jerry ina big frock' routine. It does make contacting bands nice and easy for people in the industry though - as the previous route of going to Google and finding their homepage was a real time consuming struggle. As for 'social networking', the fact that every person has 8,000 friends means you might as well just walk into a pub and start yelling at the person next to you as contact someone in your extended network; you'll have about as much connection to them.

Arguably, I only think all this because I'm an embittered 30 year hack who's too old for MySpace. But the site is full to the bursting point with people like me. I look at it and every single fucking person I know is 'Online Now!'. Somehow, they've all got time to sit around commenting on each other's pictures like sniggering Japanese school girls and writing cringey little testimonials saying "Love You, Dan xxx ;)". It's like watching 3,000 of the most useless people in the country all standing in a giant circle jerk masturbating before running forward for a group hug.

I think my career and life can survive not joining up. I've got a hunch that in the long run, being able to use the English language correctly and having a functional brain might be more useful than being virtually connected to thousands of idiots who want to send me fliers, chain letters, and spyware. And if I ever become really desperate to get laid, you'll find me over at Faceparty, that's where all the younger fitter women hangout.